A New Day...Home for the Summer

I'm in Wautoma Wisconsin living with the family again. Its been 2 years since I've lived at home for more than a few weeks at a time. So I'm really happy to be home. But this summer will not be a walk in the park. I'm working 3 different jobs.
1. I'm working at a grocery store called Stone Ridge as a cashier. It's quite entertaining. Tuesday's are seniors day. Which means I get to make old people really happy all day long.
2. I'm cleaning lake houses for Detjen's Deluxe Rentals on the weekends.
3. Finally I'm working for my cousin Misty on my time off of the other two jobs. I'm just running around and doing whatever it is that she needs to get done.
In this first week that I've been home, I've done about 12 hours of gardening. I haven't ever really done a lot of gardening, but I really enjoyed it. I cant wait to have a house of my own where I can put a bunch of flower beds in.
Oh being home makes me not want to eat healthy. I'm home I just want to eat all the good food my mom is making. But I really do need to buckle down and resist the temptation.
I've also got to get back onthe ball in terms of my exercising. I've been leisurely bike riding, kayaking, walking. I've gotta get my cardio going.
I'm happy to be home and very appreciative of all the work I've got.
:) Hurray for SUMMER!!!! :)

Finally at the end of this long semester...

"If you're going down in inches then we know we're on the right track no matter what that scale says." some guy on the MTV show called "I used to be fat". Yes, I watch all the weight loss shows out there just to keep myself motivated. It makes me feel like I can do it if I see people who are even more off then me do it. so what this guy said makes some sense because I'm gaining muscle when i work out and muscle weighs more than fat so when I see the numbers not go down like I want them to I should be turning to the measurements. I haven't actually measured in that way, so I'm going to be doing so for the summer. 
It's coming to the end of the semester and there is of course a lot to get done. 

• 1 paper
• 20 journals OM2
• 2 make up quizzes
• 1 presentation
• 3 finals
• packing 
• cleaning
• signing out
• still working

Thankfully, I had a great Easter break and was able to get a bunch of stuff done. I actually had one of the most productive 24 hours of my life over this break. I packed everything I own except the clothes that I need for this week and next week. I cleaned the kitchen, my room, the bathroom and the living room. I also did the missing journals for microeconomics. It was just lots done and then I got to relax a bit. 

So as this semester comes to an end I'm really looking forward to this summer. I'm going to be living in Wautoma, WI with my parents. I'll be working at Stone Ridge (grocery store) as well as cleaning cabins for Detjen's Delux Rentals and then whatever else comes up. I'm excited to be spending the summer with family. Even though I've been out of the house for about 2 years now, I still miss being with my family very much. I think I will always be a home body. I'm also really excited about continuing my weight loss over the summer. I think it will be helpful to have my family there as a strong support system. So i bid you all adieu as i work on my last homework...

 

19/24 Hours

Monday, April 11, 2011
5:30am  wake up and get dressed for work
6:00-9:00  Work
10:00 Chapel
11:00-1:00 Work again
1:00-3:00 Homework
3:00-7:15 Work one more time
7:30-8:40 Workout at the gym
9:00-12:00 Dishes, cleaned bathroom, homework, watched Big Bang Theory
12:30 climbed into bed...sleepy time...


Let's just say that my Monday was very busy and productive. It was one of my most productive days in a while. I got homework done....i cleaned at my apartment..I made some extra money by picking up other shifts. The hardest thing was choosing to go the gym even though I had been on my feet for like 10hours already that day. But once I actually got in there and started working out, I actually felt relaxed. I was glad to be doing something other than work and thinking hard about homework. It was a nice release of stress. I'd rather not do another 19hr day any time soon, but I loved having so much success in one day. :)

Evidently I have a look that makes people (Julia) want to smack me...

That's not what this post is going to be about..but Julia keeps telling me that I'm giving her a look that makes her want to smack me.
 This last few days have been very exciting. I went roller skating with all the people from food service that I work with...It was a pretty good work out. Just skating in circles..it's fun...Then I went again last night for Kalie's Birthday. I didn't fall at all, but somehow I still got  a bruise on my leg...Julia tried to hit me in the leg when I showed her. :(
This is Julia, Kalie, Megan, and Melody's birthday week...very full...everyone will now be beating teen pregnancy, and I'm really proud of each and every one of them. :) i just had a twitch in my eye..
I've lost 27lbs in all now..I'm happy with my weight loss..I want to do it slow enough that it really is a life style change and not just one time drop all this weight and then gain it all back. I'm also afraid of having all that loose skin like on biggest loser...haha...is that a legit fear? I hope so...cause I do really think about it all the time.
This coming week I have a bunch papers and tests and what not to get done..so its going to be busy...:)

 I'd like to cut my hair like this...maybe...what do you guys think?

This is all Worth it!

Real Girls Aren't Perfect. Perfect Girls Aren't Real.

Now more and more I'm realizing how unimportant it is that I'm perfect. I don't have to be thin or healthy. I don't have to be wonderful at everything I do. I don't have to be perfect. Everyone's vision of what "perfect" looks like is different. I want to be striving to be the best version of me. Christ is perfect. Christ is perfect in me. It doesn't matter what the world thinks perfect should be, because they'll see Christs perfection through me. What does that look like? I don't know...but I think that it's a truth that I need to live by.

As for my weight loss journey...
I've been watching some Biggest Loser and there's this guy who said that his struggle was night time. It was when he would go astray with his food habits. He wouldn't get enough sleep and that added to the stresses in life. So he was suddenly sinking into a whole and downward cycle. So then during the day when he would work out and eat healthy, it was worth nothing because he was ruining it every night. I struggle with this. I have healthy food, but if I just keep eating it then its no longer healthy for me. I also don't exactly sleep a lot when I should. So these are things that I need to change.

Its so hard to be making all these changes and keep up with everything else that's around me. I don't in any way want to stop striving to lose weight, but because this is the last month of the semester, it isn't going to be a little bit lower on my priority list. God gives me my every breath and my every day. I'm going to be focusing on my studies and work. I need to up my GPA, so this is really where my priorities need to lie. So I'm still going to be working out, but I wont be making as much of my own food. It really does consume a lot of my time. The library and I are goign to be working on our relationship. We'll be spending a lot of time together for the next few weeks. So if you can find me...thats where I'll probably be.

Gandhi said lots of things....

     Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it. I tend to agree with the first part to a certain degree, but the second part I agree with even more. 
     Somethings that I do I think seem so insignificant like making my bed or drawing a picture. But in the end it's so important that I do both of those things because making my bed can teach discipline and drawing a picture can put on paper who I am in side. It might one day remind me that I need to sometimes be a kid. So then if I think of something, but choose not to do it, have I made a mistake or is it also important that I didn't do it. oh man, this could go on and on. All I know is that when it comes to this diet, when I have to make a choice to eat whats healthy or not eat whats unhealthy, those choices are very significant. When I decide to go to the gym thats a significant choice. Its very important that I do it. 
     So there's something new that I've experienced in the gym. It makes me happy to finish there. I feel so good and like I've worked out really hard. When  I go I want the most I can get out of being there. I know I'm not supposed to weight in until Wednesday, but I couldn't resist. I've lost 2lbs and thats means that I've now lost 25lbs. Wahoo!! That means that we're going out to get our nails done. Whoever wants to go is welcome to come. I also just bought some new running shoes and work out pants. My shoes were so shot and my work out pants were way too big so I couldn't workout without having to pull them up every 2 seconds. 
       Monday is finally coming to an end. I have a huge paper I need to finish and I'm not really in the mood. Now I can take on the rest of the week. I didn't work out today cause my workout buddy is gone and because I have that huge paper that i have to get done, but its okay. I will workout tomorrow. 
      I'm so glad that tomorrow is Tuesday. :)
Cause it's one day closer to Friday.... I love the weekend.

R.I.P Jeff Burd

http://danielsfh.frontrunnerpro.com/runtime/99657/runtime.php?SiteId=99657&NavigatorId=349798&ItemId=678420&viewOpt=dpaneOnly&op=tributeMemorialCandles



This is Jeff Burd. He was on the Cornerstone University Track & Field team for my freshman year. I didn't know him very well. We had a class together. But from how much his friends miss him, I know he was an amazing man. I see how his smile could light up a room. His friends miss him a whole lot and I'm writing this in memory of him and for those he left behind. Jeff, we'll see you in heaven. Maybe I'll get a chance to know you better then.

Once I didn't go to chapel...

    This post is actually a paper that I wrote for a chapel make-up. Every semester we're supposed to go to 25 chapels and if we fail to do so we have to listen to them online and write a 700 word essay on all the ones we missed. This is one of them that I think kind of lets you into my life a little bit.            

          “Worship rises and falls with our concept of God. If you love Him a lot worship flows over and if you love Him a little then you can only fake for so long.”

            Horness, the speaker, seems to have a false understanding of worship. Just because a person doesn’t have their eyes closed, hands raised and face turned towards heaven with tears on their cheeks doesn't mean that they aren't worshipping. He brings up this verse.

Isaiah 29:13 “These people worship me with their lips and not their heart.”

This is truth. God can see people’s hearts and know if they are sincere, but humans cannot.  We are so wrong to assume people’s attitude towards Christ and their worship to Him. So Horness’s message really should have been about knowing in your heart how you feel about worshipping God. Not looking around and seeing other people’s cold hearts and just going through the motions. Pegging people as insincere and not having any knowledge of where they are really at. If others want to come to church and waste their time being petty and not having any true feelings towards Christ, then we’ve missed the real message. Just by looking at people and saying that they are that way.

Sometimes I have days at church where I don’t feel sincere. I’ve had a rough week and I’m trying to make sense of it and I sing the songs even though that’s not where my hearts at. I think I sing the songs anyways to hopefully remind myself what life is really all about. Sometimes it helps and by the end of the worship time, God and I are back on the same page.

When I was listening to this chapel I had a feeling like maybe I wasn’t a good enough Christian because I don’t always show on the outside what I’m feeling on the inside. But here’s the thing. No Christian is better than the next. We’re all sinners, we’re all saved by grace, and we are all in different places in our relationship with Christ. I don’t care what other people think of me when I’m worshipping. Sometimes my hands are raised and my whole body is praising God, but sometimes I can’t go there and sometimes I’m just feeling it in my heart. Often I can be singing the words, but I’m actually just praying in my head. Either way, I’m worshipping God.

Interesting story about how I grew up. I’m an MK from Mexico and I went to a very conservative privet missionary kid’s school. When we sang praise songs in chapel onces a week, everyone was completely cold. I’m using cold to describe their actions and not their hearts. People would hardly sing out or clap during an upbeat song. One time I had been having a really rough week with my friends, dorm parents, and school. We were singing In Christ Alone and I was just realizing how much I needed Christ to take over and help me with everything and I raised my hands in worship to Him, but then quickly from right behind me a teacher grabbed my shoulder and told me to put my hand down. I’d done something really wrong, because her face looked horrified. I couldn’t figure it out, so after I asked her what my mistake was. She said, “Raising you’re hands during a song is charismatic and very rude to those of us who know you don’t even really understand worshipping in that way. I just didn’t want you to look foolish.”

WHAT! I didn’t even realize until I got into high school and went to a church that had an hour of worship service that everyone seemed to be very involved in. I didn’t realize that the teacher that stopped me was judging where my heart was. She didn’t know what had been going on. I wouldn’t have let her treat me like that if I had known what was actually going on. I think that no matter what no one should ever let someone else tell them whether their worship seems sincere enough or whether or not they know what worship really is.

I didn’t start actually worshipping Christ outwardly until I got to Cornerstone University, because I was embarrassed and still felt foolish for even wanting to close my eyes during a song. When we went to the camp for Terra Firma, I saw that it didn’t matter what other people thought, it only mattered where my heart was with God. That really freed me.  

Worth more Broken

Worth more Broken. There's a song by Adelene called "Worth more Broken", but thats not exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the idea that when I'm broken, I'm more easily mold and fixed into what I should be. The better version of me is shaped. When I'm all put together and everything is going great and I'm doing everything right, I have no reason to depend on God. So I think I'm worth a lot more broken. This is not to say we should all sit in our corners and have pity parties all the time, but it is okay for me to be broken or hurt or needy in some way. Needy for Christ to make His move on molding me. 

     I took a depressed-o-meter in my Wellness class the other day and evidently I'm depressed. But I don't think I actually am. I think that there are things in my life that are depressing, but in general I'm working on getting through things one thing at a time and trying to juggle the rest of life on the side. I'm a skilled juggler. I handle working, the gym, classes, homework, presentations, papers, and friends. I want to be good at all of it, but sometimes that just doesn't work out how I want it. I am worth more to God when I'm not able to do it all on my own. I'm more dependent on Him when I'm broken and I don't have it all together. This I see as a very successful realization. 

Achy Breaky Heart and Body

      Friday I worked out with Nicole. I didn't want to go at all. I kept telling her that I didn't feel like it and that I would go Saturday or Sunday. Thankfully she insisted that I go. Once we got there, she worked me hard for a whole hour. It was so hard, but soooo therapeutic. I always feel so much better after working out even though it takes a lot to even get me there. When I'm on either the bike or the elliptical, I have time to think and clear my head. Even make some hard decisions. And when Nicole makes a circuit of crazy jumping around and push ups and jump rope and crunches and more jumping. then I get a chance to let everything out of my head. It's as if there isn't anything wrong at all. So When I go in, I'm the achy breaky heart and when I leave I'm the achy breaky body. 
    

Smells like Spring

    I had the most amazing walk back from night class. The air was crisp...I could have reached out and crushed it. It was dark, but the smell of spring made it feel so bright. Sprinkles were speckling my glasses and wetting my face. It felt like i was being touched by heaven. Does that even happen? I walked for about 8minutes all by myself physically, but it felt kinda like a walk in the clouds with the Almighty. I was comforted even though I didn't know I was really sad about anything. I was calmed even though I didn't think I was too upset about anything. I was encouraged for the first time in a while by my Creator. I was also reminded that I'm broken and that like always, God is really present to help me put the pieces back together. I'm holding all the pieces and hes gluing and sticking them back where they belong. Oh, just like spring...everything has died away because of the frigged winter, but now they are given a second life. A new beginning with clean warm air, more sunlight, plenty of moisture and nourishment has finally arrived for the plants and my life. I'm just saying mr. winter got me down and spring is here to lift me back up. I've officially lost 24lbs now. When I loose 25lb I'm going out with my friend Julia to get our nails done, its my little reward...hehe...I'm so looking forward to being able to take walks in the nice spring air. 

I've been afraid of changing, because I've built my life around you...(Landslide - Stevie Nicks)

         What is my "you"? I'm so afraid of changing. I've built my life around...you...family?...friends?...school?(of course not...just for kicks and giggles)...having fun?...music?...food?
          Yep....food. Thats what I've come up with. I wish it were more noble. But I do not eat to live. I'm definitely a live to eat kinda gal. Not because I want that, but because I don't know anything different. I don't know what I look like thin or even just healthy weight.  I'm really afraid to change, because I don't know any other version of myself. I know the girl that gets up in the morning hating how she feels because it's a little hard to get up when you weight this much...but then I walk directly to the kitchen and pick out some food. I then go to put on clothes and am once again reminded about my large size. hm...I hurry through the rest of my morning. Sitting in class and thinking about what I should get for lunch. Check the meal options in the cafeteria online. When they hour is finally up, I hurry over to the cafeteria. Even though nothing really sounded appealing, I'm headed in to eat something. Then on my way out, I'm already thinking ahead about when I'm going to have time for dinner. I then stop in at the grab-n-go line to pick up a paper bad meal in case my evening gets too busy and I don't have time to hit up the cafeteria again. I race off to another class. That food in my backpack seems really appealing because this prof and what he has to say is obviously not. I take out what was meant to be dinner and eat it up. Oh, what do you know...I do have time to hit up the cafeteria. Wonderful. Once again I'm headed out of the cafeteria and realize that my night class (3hrs long) is gonna get really dull and I might need something to keep me from dying of bordum. So I once again  stop by the grab-n-go to get a late evening meal. On my way back to my apartment, it feels really nice to be alone. Some time to think and probably hit up a Taco Bell or McDonalds...


Yes, I've built my life around food. Yes, this is how I've lived.  Yes, this is over. Yes...I know...its bad.


    But it does get better. My life can be built around Christ. My day should start by thanking Him for allowing me to wake up once again to enjoy his creation. And it should end with praising Him for everything that He is and everything that I am in Him. 
      I'm not perfect, but I do want to strive for this to be the focus of my weight loss journey. Doing it because of Him and everything He has done for me. I'd just rather build my life around someone that's worth it and from what I've gathered, Christ is completely worth it. 

Spring Break is right around the corner!

My spring break will be arriving on Thursday, March 3 at 2:15pm. I'm going to drive over to Wautoma Wisconsin to see the fam. Mom and Dad are going to Honduras for most of my break, so I'm "teen" sitting. Sam and Olivia just need someone to take them to and from school and to make them food and to get them up in the morning and to do their laundry. haha so...I'm the "mom" of spring break. I'm excited to spend time with them and to be at a house instead of an apartment. These places just feel so small. I'm a little nervous about 2 things though. 1st I'm nervous about having my credit card with me. Normally when I have that, I tend to spend the money on it and normally on very unhealthy things. Also I'm nervous about getting in all my exercising. Here at school I have a gym to workout in, but at home I don't really have that much available to me. So this spring break might prove to be a little challenging. I'm also going to be starting in on my 2nd cycle of the 17day diet while I'm home. I'm excited because I'll get to eat some other things. Not that I'm complaining, but I do get a little tired of having the same sorta stuff all the time. So Spring break here I come!!!!!!!!

Get rid of the Wings!

A few days ago my friend Nicole found out that she was accepted to a  study abroad program in Costa Rica. We were all on stand by all day waiting to find out. And then at 6pm there was an explosion of excitement. She got it!!!!! Celebration night out was in order. We headed out to Buffalo Wild Wings. I figured that since it was a special occasion I could have a few little boneless wings. I'm allowed to have chicken. I convinced myself that it didn't matter.
We sat down and ordered. Waters all around...we're college students...its cheaper that way. Caribbean Jerk. Thats my favorite. I split the order with Julia, and that made it even more acceptable. I would only be eating 4 little wings. The waitress brought our orders and handed them all out. My mouth watered. It had been about 8 days since I had anything truly off my diet.
Sitting in front of me was the whole reason I started this weight loss in the first place. I hated those wings. They mocked me from the little basket. "you already made the mistake." "you ordered us" "you're gonna have to start all over tomorrow."  "whatever."
"Emily, whats the matter?" my friend Kalie asked from across the table.
"I can't eat these."
"Are you thinking about how bad they are for you?" Nicole asked.
I nodded then gazed back up at the soccer game playing on the big screen in the corner. From the corner of my eye I saw Nicole quickly get rid of the wings. They were no longer in front of me to remind me that i would so quickly be willing to give up everything that I had worked for.
"Those are not worth it!" I said it to the other girls at the table, but really i was talking to the wings. "You're not worth everything I've achieved. You're not worth my health. You're not worth the disappointment I would have in myself for eating you."
I still had to pay for them. I was happy to do so. I'm happy to pay for something I'm not going to eat. If that means a huge victory for me. I'd pay anything for that. Thankfully it only cost me about $4...but its the idea that counts.

-17

So, on the 17 day diet, I lost 17lbs in the first 7 days...:) WOWEEEWOOWOWOW!!!!!!AH!!!!!!!ITS REALLY HAPPENING!!!!

Days 2-5 and the storm.

        I should have kept up everyday, but that can get overwhelming when I have a bunch of other stuff to do. Its hard to do all my school stuff and my work and have time to plan out all my meals and make everything that I can't get in the cafeteria. I've done really well. I've stuck to the diet all except for one thing. I had a chicken Caesar salad and it didn't have light dressing. So that was a fail. Otherwise I've been eating lots of fish. I feel like a fish now myself. Unfortunately my roommates don't like the smell of fish, so I feel a little bad making it so often. I also didn't do green tea for some of my drinks this weekend because I was in Chicago and I forgot to bring some. But thats okay, its just the 17day diet suggestion for drinks, but i just did water and I was fine. I'll get back to my tea now that I'm home and have an ample amount of it. 
   So on my way back from Chicago today, I was driving on some really icy and slushy roads. A big truck went flying past me and started spinning and then hit the car in front of me. They both spun and I hit my breaks. I knew that if I hit them too hard I would probably start twisting around too, so I just slowed myself down and hoped that they were out of the way. Thankfully they both went into the ditch before I could become part of the wreck. I pulled off the road and turned my hazard lights on and got out to check if everyone was okay. I started walking towards the truck and a guy got out and said he someone was hurt. I immediately pulled out my phone and called 911. Within minutes police cars started showing up. I talked to a police officer and told him my story and then he let me leave. Needless to say I drove about 25mph for the next 30 miles...it took a long time to finally get home. I thank God for keeping me safe.

DAY 1, UNO, ONE, UNE, EIN...

OH BOY! Two words... GREEN TEA! every single meal...yep. a cup of green tea at every mean because its good for me. holy cow...I thought i liked green tea, but i don't and I'm already sick of it and its only been one day. 
Other than the green tea, everything else went very well for the first day. 2 egg whites and half a grapefruit for breakfast..a huge salad of spinach, carrots, cucumbers, sunflower seeds, raisins, mushrooms, and 1 hard boiled egg topped with olive oil and balsamic vinegar...dinner was wonderful...a sole fish fillet backed with broccoli, carrots, celery, and olive oil baked for 30minutes. 
I also did get a work out in. I rode the stationary bike for 30minutes 8.4miles and then i walked around the pond on campus 2 times. 
Successful first day i would say. Its gonna be hard to do this every day though. I know that the end result is going to be worth all the work though. So day one is done and day two is in my sights. :) 

Everybody wants to love....everybody wants to be loved...

So Valentines Day is right around the corner. Everyone with a significant other probably has great plans for this weekend or the day of and those who don't probably have some sort of pity party to attend. As for me...this valentines day I'm dedicating to my new life. The journey to a more healthy me is something to celebrate. Being able to recognize that woman that God loves and cherishes is a huge excitement for me. So although love of a special man is not in the cards for me this Valentines day, love from the Almighty is and will always be. HAPPY VALENTINES!!!!!!!

GOALS!!

I need to lay out some goals to kind of see where I'm headed. This is what I've come up with. 

1. lose 150lbs

2. Be able to get on a plane and be completely comfortable in the seat

3. Study Abroad

4. Honor God through this whole journey and seek Him for encouragement

and strength.

5. Have a healthier life style full of joy

OH THE JOY!

     Last night I told my friend Julia about my new plan for weight loss and asked her to help me with buying the healthy things and only the healthy things. She was sooooooo enthusiastic about it. She was amazed at the amount of weight i need to lose. Her excitement for me was so encouraging. She's gonna be a huge asset to my program. Julia is an amazing friend. I couldn't even sleep last night because I was getting so excited about starting all of this.
    I have picked up a starting date. I was going to start on Sunday, February 13th, but I need to wait until my first pay check comes in so that I can afford to buy all the healthy food. So my start date is Tuesday, February 15th. I know it looks like I'm putting it off, but I just want to be completely prepared. Classes, homework, work, exercising and making my own food will be a ton of work. So I'm hoping to get everything completely prepared for when I start.

So the First Brick is put in place.

      Today, I started out a little rough. I didn't eat breakfast because I was running a little late to class. I've read all over the place in every diet and exercise book that breakfast is really really important. It gets the metabolism up and running for the day. It also starts my day off with more energy, when I actually get around to eating it. So I'm going to be starting by getting my breakfast stuff ready the night before so that when I get up it's ready for me to put together and eat and run. I feel like having a lot of already prepared food will help me not make bad choices because the choices has already been made. I make better choices when I'm not in a rush.  Pre prepared meals and snacks. As long as I have a plan I'll  be better equipped to face my everyday challenges. 
     In the past few days I have talked to two of my friends about my problems and got them on board to help me out. My friend Nicole will be helping me with getting to the gym at least 3 times a week and maybe even more. My friend Kalie will be helping me for when it comes to my money being spent in the right place. I'll be handing over my debit card and will only have access to it when I need groceries or gas for the car, but I will not have access to it all the time like I used to. 
    I've been realizing more and more that this is not just a journey for a healthier physical body, but a healthier life over all. I'm going to be seeing a therapist. I'm getting a tutor for a class so that I can be the best student I can be. I'm also working and realizing that once my physical health is better, I'll be a much better employee because I'll be able to move more quickly and efficiently. It's all got to come together. 
    Today I will also be getting a hold of the rest of my family members and talking to some of my managers at work to just get them on board. It's really hard for me to admit to people my problems. Even though I know that they see it, but actually saying "hey i have a weight problem and I need help" is really hard. So I'm talking to a few people at a time to make it a little less scary. 
     And bit by bit I'm getting closer to my goals. 

It's Not for Nothing!

Today I told my mom about this journey that I am embarking on . She told me that my weight is holding me back. I have so much potential and I'm unable to live up to that. I need this. But I can't do it on my own. I need a support team and accountability partners. I need...workout buddies, food supervisors, a therapist, my family and friends to be on board and for everyone to help me stay accountable. My life is really worth it. I have this one life to live and I need to live it to the fullest.
The hardest things is to ask for help from piers and people that I look up to. But just because it's hard doesn't mean that it cant be done. This week I'm dedicating to building a firm foundation. I'm going to be talking to a bunch of people to get them on board. I'm going to be getting my blood drawn and meeting with a doctor to see where my body is at. I'm going to be meeting with a therapist about my emotional attachments to food. I'm going to be talking to each of my family members(immediate family only) about what I'm going to be doing. I'm going to be talking to some friends about being my pushers. People who push me to the gym and make me eat right. and push that donut out of my hand. Also a shopping buddy who can help make sure I'm getting only what's on my list. So HELP WANTED! and this is my base week where I find all the help I can get.

Why the sudden change?

So in my first post I talked a lot about why I want and need to lose weight. But what really caught my attention and the reason I'm somehow really determined is because of one little girl. EMMA. My older sister just got married to a man who has a daughter. Her name is Emma. Now, Erin is a step-mom, but I don't really get the step-aunt title. I'm okay with that as long as I get to treat her like a niece. Lucky for me, Emma loves hanging out with me. So, when we went to the wedding her and I got to spend some time together. At the rehearsal dinner she really wanted to dance on the dance floor, but there was no music playing so her Grandma Jane told her she needed to sit down. I then got up and started dancing with her even though we had no music. After a little while she asked me a question that really kind of hurt me as  well as inspired me. She said, "Emily, why do you have two bellies?" Jane told her that it was rude of her to ask and insisted that she go sit down. She asked me again and I looked at her and said, " Well I like it like that. I wear my pants tight around the middle so that i get two bellies." Emma was satisfied with this response and returned to her seat as instructed. I was completely embarrassed. I couldn't believe that I pretended to like the fact that my midsection is so large. I  hated that she  could see it even though I was wearing a really baggy dress. I knew that her question was innocent, but I'm sure other people have thought the same thing only they have filters and would never mention my weight. That night I thought about that conversation time and time again. I always seem to make a joke out of my size or pretend like it never bothers me at all. I don't know if I actually do a good job at fooling the people around me, but I definitely never fooled myself. I hate that my graduation gown didn't fit in the right size so I had to get a larger one. I don't have to hate this stuff any more though. It can all be changed and I will make those changes.

From the Beginning, I mean from the Rock Bottom.

   Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Emily and I'm a college student. I'm a Christian and I grew up in Mexico. That's it. I want to start with a story.
     When I was around 8 or 9 years old I was spending the night at my friend Briana's house. We had been eating a lot of junk food for our slumber party, and had just been lounging around watching movies. It was a very typical sleepover. Then Briana made a comment. "Oh man I ate too much. I always eat too much. I'm getting fat and ugly."
    As a good Christian girl I said. "You're not fat or ugly. You're just the way God made you. You and I are just big bones. He made us that way."
Then Briana said something that has stuck in the back of my mind ever since. "My mom says that God did makes us, but we need to take care of his creation.By getting fat, I'm not taking care of His creation."  
   WOWZEEE!! She was so right. I'd like to inform you now that since that day I chose to eat healthy and exercise and do everything to take care of God's precious child and unique creation. But those profound words were heard, but not taken to heart. I was young. I don't blame myself for those years, my life wasn't about that serious stuff yet. I'm 20 years old now and my age does not excuse me any longer. Actually it seems to condemn me.
    I've grown larger pretty much every year of my life after the getting taller and developing was over with. I had a year when I trained for a triathlon with my parents and did lose a little weight, but not enough to start me on a journey to being honestly healthy. I now weigh in at about 348lbs. My body is screaming at me to get rid of all this extra baggage. I'm practically carrying a whole other person with me everywhere I go.
    This is where it ends. This is where the extra person gets off and I get to move on with my life. I'm holding myself back. I can't go on planes without making everyone else in my row uncomfortable. I'm afraid of heights because I'm afraid that I'm too heavy for whatever is holding me up. I don't go clothes shopping with friends because I would have to go to the plus size stuff and it's all old ladyish. Ultimately I want to go and study abroad in Lithuania, but I cannot take my extra person on this trip. I want to be able to explore. I want to fly and not have to pay for the extra seat next to me. I want the pictures of me in those places to be framed and not feel ashamed.
    So, my journey begins. I'm going to get a good support system to help me out. I'm going to be accountable to my workout buddy and my meal supervisor. I'm going to live a full life and start taking care of God's special creation. ME.