Gandhi said lots of things....

     Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it. I tend to agree with the first part to a certain degree, but the second part I agree with even more. 
     Somethings that I do I think seem so insignificant like making my bed or drawing a picture. But in the end it's so important that I do both of those things because making my bed can teach discipline and drawing a picture can put on paper who I am in side. It might one day remind me that I need to sometimes be a kid. So then if I think of something, but choose not to do it, have I made a mistake or is it also important that I didn't do it. oh man, this could go on and on. All I know is that when it comes to this diet, when I have to make a choice to eat whats healthy or not eat whats unhealthy, those choices are very significant. When I decide to go to the gym thats a significant choice. Its very important that I do it. 
     So there's something new that I've experienced in the gym. It makes me happy to finish there. I feel so good and like I've worked out really hard. When  I go I want the most I can get out of being there. I know I'm not supposed to weight in until Wednesday, but I couldn't resist. I've lost 2lbs and thats means that I've now lost 25lbs. Wahoo!! That means that we're going out to get our nails done. Whoever wants to go is welcome to come. I also just bought some new running shoes and work out pants. My shoes were so shot and my work out pants were way too big so I couldn't workout without having to pull them up every 2 seconds. 
       Monday is finally coming to an end. I have a huge paper I need to finish and I'm not really in the mood. Now I can take on the rest of the week. I didn't work out today cause my workout buddy is gone and because I have that huge paper that i have to get done, but its okay. I will workout tomorrow. 
      I'm so glad that tomorrow is Tuesday. :)
Cause it's one day closer to Friday.... I love the weekend.

R.I.P Jeff Burd

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This is Jeff Burd. He was on the Cornerstone University Track & Field team for my freshman year. I didn't know him very well. We had a class together. But from how much his friends miss him, I know he was an amazing man. I see how his smile could light up a room. His friends miss him a whole lot and I'm writing this in memory of him and for those he left behind. Jeff, we'll see you in heaven. Maybe I'll get a chance to know you better then.

Once I didn't go to chapel...

    This post is actually a paper that I wrote for a chapel make-up. Every semester we're supposed to go to 25 chapels and if we fail to do so we have to listen to them online and write a 700 word essay on all the ones we missed. This is one of them that I think kind of lets you into my life a little bit.            

          “Worship rises and falls with our concept of God. If you love Him a lot worship flows over and if you love Him a little then you can only fake for so long.”

            Horness, the speaker, seems to have a false understanding of worship. Just because a person doesn’t have their eyes closed, hands raised and face turned towards heaven with tears on their cheeks doesn't mean that they aren't worshipping. He brings up this verse.

Isaiah 29:13 “These people worship me with their lips and not their heart.”

This is truth. God can see people’s hearts and know if they are sincere, but humans cannot.  We are so wrong to assume people’s attitude towards Christ and their worship to Him. So Horness’s message really should have been about knowing in your heart how you feel about worshipping God. Not looking around and seeing other people’s cold hearts and just going through the motions. Pegging people as insincere and not having any knowledge of where they are really at. If others want to come to church and waste their time being petty and not having any true feelings towards Christ, then we’ve missed the real message. Just by looking at people and saying that they are that way.

Sometimes I have days at church where I don’t feel sincere. I’ve had a rough week and I’m trying to make sense of it and I sing the songs even though that’s not where my hearts at. I think I sing the songs anyways to hopefully remind myself what life is really all about. Sometimes it helps and by the end of the worship time, God and I are back on the same page.

When I was listening to this chapel I had a feeling like maybe I wasn’t a good enough Christian because I don’t always show on the outside what I’m feeling on the inside. But here’s the thing. No Christian is better than the next. We’re all sinners, we’re all saved by grace, and we are all in different places in our relationship with Christ. I don’t care what other people think of me when I’m worshipping. Sometimes my hands are raised and my whole body is praising God, but sometimes I can’t go there and sometimes I’m just feeling it in my heart. Often I can be singing the words, but I’m actually just praying in my head. Either way, I’m worshipping God.

Interesting story about how I grew up. I’m an MK from Mexico and I went to a very conservative privet missionary kid’s school. When we sang praise songs in chapel onces a week, everyone was completely cold. I’m using cold to describe their actions and not their hearts. People would hardly sing out or clap during an upbeat song. One time I had been having a really rough week with my friends, dorm parents, and school. We were singing In Christ Alone and I was just realizing how much I needed Christ to take over and help me with everything and I raised my hands in worship to Him, but then quickly from right behind me a teacher grabbed my shoulder and told me to put my hand down. I’d done something really wrong, because her face looked horrified. I couldn’t figure it out, so after I asked her what my mistake was. She said, “Raising you’re hands during a song is charismatic and very rude to those of us who know you don’t even really understand worshipping in that way. I just didn’t want you to look foolish.”

WHAT! I didn’t even realize until I got into high school and went to a church that had an hour of worship service that everyone seemed to be very involved in. I didn’t realize that the teacher that stopped me was judging where my heart was. She didn’t know what had been going on. I wouldn’t have let her treat me like that if I had known what was actually going on. I think that no matter what no one should ever let someone else tell them whether their worship seems sincere enough or whether or not they know what worship really is.

I didn’t start actually worshipping Christ outwardly until I got to Cornerstone University, because I was embarrassed and still felt foolish for even wanting to close my eyes during a song. When we went to the camp for Terra Firma, I saw that it didn’t matter what other people thought, it only mattered where my heart was with God. That really freed me.  

Worth more Broken

Worth more Broken. There's a song by Adelene called "Worth more Broken", but thats not exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the idea that when I'm broken, I'm more easily mold and fixed into what I should be. The better version of me is shaped. When I'm all put together and everything is going great and I'm doing everything right, I have no reason to depend on God. So I think I'm worth a lot more broken. This is not to say we should all sit in our corners and have pity parties all the time, but it is okay for me to be broken or hurt or needy in some way. Needy for Christ to make His move on molding me. 

     I took a depressed-o-meter in my Wellness class the other day and evidently I'm depressed. But I don't think I actually am. I think that there are things in my life that are depressing, but in general I'm working on getting through things one thing at a time and trying to juggle the rest of life on the side. I'm a skilled juggler. I handle working, the gym, classes, homework, presentations, papers, and friends. I want to be good at all of it, but sometimes that just doesn't work out how I want it. I am worth more to God when I'm not able to do it all on my own. I'm more dependent on Him when I'm broken and I don't have it all together. This I see as a very successful realization. 

Achy Breaky Heart and Body

      Friday I worked out with Nicole. I didn't want to go at all. I kept telling her that I didn't feel like it and that I would go Saturday or Sunday. Thankfully she insisted that I go. Once we got there, she worked me hard for a whole hour. It was so hard, but soooo therapeutic. I always feel so much better after working out even though it takes a lot to even get me there. When I'm on either the bike or the elliptical, I have time to think and clear my head. Even make some hard decisions. And when Nicole makes a circuit of crazy jumping around and push ups and jump rope and crunches and more jumping. then I get a chance to let everything out of my head. It's as if there isn't anything wrong at all. So When I go in, I'm the achy breaky heart and when I leave I'm the achy breaky body. 
    

Smells like Spring

    I had the most amazing walk back from night class. The air was crisp...I could have reached out and crushed it. It was dark, but the smell of spring made it feel so bright. Sprinkles were speckling my glasses and wetting my face. It felt like i was being touched by heaven. Does that even happen? I walked for about 8minutes all by myself physically, but it felt kinda like a walk in the clouds with the Almighty. I was comforted even though I didn't know I was really sad about anything. I was calmed even though I didn't think I was too upset about anything. I was encouraged for the first time in a while by my Creator. I was also reminded that I'm broken and that like always, God is really present to help me put the pieces back together. I'm holding all the pieces and hes gluing and sticking them back where they belong. Oh, just like spring...everything has died away because of the frigged winter, but now they are given a second life. A new beginning with clean warm air, more sunlight, plenty of moisture and nourishment has finally arrived for the plants and my life. I'm just saying mr. winter got me down and spring is here to lift me back up. I've officially lost 24lbs now. When I loose 25lb I'm going out with my friend Julia to get our nails done, its my little reward...hehe...I'm so looking forward to being able to take walks in the nice spring air. 

I've been afraid of changing, because I've built my life around you...(Landslide - Stevie Nicks)

         What is my "you"? I'm so afraid of changing. I've built my life around...you...family?...friends?...school?(of course not...just for kicks and giggles)...having fun?...music?...food?
          Yep....food. Thats what I've come up with. I wish it were more noble. But I do not eat to live. I'm definitely a live to eat kinda gal. Not because I want that, but because I don't know anything different. I don't know what I look like thin or even just healthy weight.  I'm really afraid to change, because I don't know any other version of myself. I know the girl that gets up in the morning hating how she feels because it's a little hard to get up when you weight this much...but then I walk directly to the kitchen and pick out some food. I then go to put on clothes and am once again reminded about my large size. hm...I hurry through the rest of my morning. Sitting in class and thinking about what I should get for lunch. Check the meal options in the cafeteria online. When they hour is finally up, I hurry over to the cafeteria. Even though nothing really sounded appealing, I'm headed in to eat something. Then on my way out, I'm already thinking ahead about when I'm going to have time for dinner. I then stop in at the grab-n-go line to pick up a paper bad meal in case my evening gets too busy and I don't have time to hit up the cafeteria again. I race off to another class. That food in my backpack seems really appealing because this prof and what he has to say is obviously not. I take out what was meant to be dinner and eat it up. Oh, what do you know...I do have time to hit up the cafeteria. Wonderful. Once again I'm headed out of the cafeteria and realize that my night class (3hrs long) is gonna get really dull and I might need something to keep me from dying of bordum. So I once again  stop by the grab-n-go to get a late evening meal. On my way back to my apartment, it feels really nice to be alone. Some time to think and probably hit up a Taco Bell or McDonalds...


Yes, I've built my life around food. Yes, this is how I've lived.  Yes, this is over. Yes...I know...its bad.


    But it does get better. My life can be built around Christ. My day should start by thanking Him for allowing me to wake up once again to enjoy his creation. And it should end with praising Him for everything that He is and everything that I am in Him. 
      I'm not perfect, but I do want to strive for this to be the focus of my weight loss journey. Doing it because of Him and everything He has done for me. I'd just rather build my life around someone that's worth it and from what I've gathered, Christ is completely worth it.